10 RULES FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER AT MY HOUSE
1. Don't get in line asking questions about the food. 'Who made the potato salad? you know good and well that aunt Bert always makes it Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it? Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won't be able to eat ----.
2. If you can't walk or are missing any limbs, sit down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on the pecans and walnuts to hold you over until someone makes you a plate.
3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort them to the garage and bring their food down to them. They are not gonna tear my house up this year. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it's time for aunt Thelma to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas.
4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. Save that talk for somebody who gives a d---. The time limit for the prayer is one minute.
5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don't, you will be cursed out and asked to stay your greedy --- home next year!
6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don't let me catch you fixing yourself a plate using my good Tupperware knowing good and well that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn't bring anything over, don't let me catch you making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding.
7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn't belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!
8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call DHS on you.
9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your --- home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED OUT AT 11:00 pm.
10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Luther Jr and his fat greedy wife, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET!